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Looking for an example of how not to give a wedding speech? Try this. I was recently told an anecdote about guests at a wedding who became suspicious about the detached, cliched style of the groom’s speech, and the monotonous way it was read. Gathered at the reception afterwards, they asked ChatGPT to write a groom’s wedding speech. Bingo! The result was as good as identical.

Admittedly, whether you’re bride or groom, best man or chief bridesmaid, giving a wedding speech can be a scary prospect. But if you want to keep it personal and memorable, AI is not the answer.

So what is? You could do a lot worse than following the five canons of classical rhetoric, as recommended by the great practitioners of the ancient world, Cicero and Quintilian: invention, arrangement, style, memory and delivery.

1. Invention

The first canon of classical rhetoric is invention. That’s the process of discovering and developing the ideas you’ll use in your speech.

You can’t speak about everything, and no one likes a speech that drones on. Around ten minutes is all you need. That leaves you time for maybe six or seven events in the life of the person you’re talking about.

If you visualise those six or seven events, that will help you remember them. Is there a theme or characteristic that binds them together? Identify one or two, and use them to create a thread.

Good speakers often begin with a bit of a warm-up – maybe some light-hearted comments about the venue, or something in the news, or just a good joke. Plan to single out people in the audience for a mention or a laugh. Say something nice about the new family, or friendship groups you’ve discovered through the relationship.

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2. Arrangement

History is your best friend when it comes to arranging the order of your speech. The events you’ve chosen under “invention” happened in order of time. So lean on history and organise them chronologically.

Also, remember that many of the best wedding speeches often follow an arc from light to serious. You can make fun of your subject for a while, but nothing quite beats ending with love.

3. Style

This will vary depending on your role. Best men and chief bridesmaids traditionally skirt the boundaries of politeness, or sometimes go crashing through them (the worst best-man jokes are not repeatable here, nor anywhere else, and there’s no shortage of books dedicated to them).

Mostly you’ll be talking to a mixed audience. You can be a bit risqué without offending anyone (sexist jokes are not recommended). And because you’re likely to be talking to people you know, try to be informal – the “familiar style”, as it used to be called. That also means being personal. The speech has to sound like you.

Keep your speech as personal as possible.
Dupe/Chloe Christianson, CC BY-SA

4. Memory

The prospect of remembering a speech may feel daunting or impossible. But speaking without notes makes a huge difference to how you engage your audience.

Look into their eyes and they will be drawn in. The ancient Roman educator Quintilian was one among many orators to recommend visual analogues as a memory aid – often, the ground plan of a house, where a porch leads to a hall, which leads to a dining room, and so on. You populate each room with clues. They might be verbal or visual.

Anything that helps you lift your eyes from a script will increase your chances of getting the audience on your side.

5. Delivery

Calm your nerves by visualising the scene ahead of time. Most people visit their wedding venue before the big day, so take the opportunity to get used to the space, and then run it through in your head afterwards.

Try rehearsing the speech while you’re going for a walk. When it comes to the big day and the room is full, remember that you can’t speak directly to everyone. Instead, pick out maybe three or four people to focus on, in different parts of the room.

Taking a walk around the venue ahead of time can help you to memorise your speech.
Dupe/Marissa Gradei, CC BY-SA

There are novel approaches and there are disasters. The double-act approach can work brilliantly, where bride and groom take turns to deliver a single speech, but it may need scripting. If the venue has the facilities, a slide show can work well. Picking out the various groups of families and friends and getting them to wave usually works as a good warmup.

When you get a laugh, ride it – start speaking again just as the laughter is dying down. Don’t wait for silence. If you get into a panic and can’t think of anything, just say you’re so happy that you’re speechless, and raise your glass for a toast.

David Roberts does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.